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It’s hard to tell just when Mom’s dementia
started. We didn’t notice until she was
living with us---but she knew!
My father died in 1976 and at that time my
husband and I became the caregivers for my
mother. She was very independent and lived
by herself until 1996. She did have
boyfriends but never remarried. At the time
she moved in with us she seemed to be
healthy.
One Sunday I was at her house and out of the
blue she said she wanted to sell her house.
We had always assumed we would be the ones
who cared for Mom, so we sold her house and
built a small apartment on to ours. She
continued to socialize as usual, driving
herself where ever she needed to go. Her
favorite thing to do was play cards. She
played bridge at least two times a week, had
a group that played Tripoly once a week and
a poker group that played once a week. She
started loosing interest in her contract
bridge game and started not wanting to play
at other times with the other groups. She
eventually quit her bridge games all
together. All her friends started
disappearing at this time. When we decided
we would have to address her driving, she up
and said she wanted to sell her car because
she didn’t want to drive anymore. During
this time we noticed her receiving quite a
few phone calls and she started receiving
strange mail. The last thing my mother
turned over to us was her finances. It was
the biggest struggle we had, I guess that
was her last piece of independence. To our
surprise she was in terrible debt and had
been conned by her long time boyfriend.
She was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia in
1999 which was caused by mini strokes.
Vascular dementia has struck three of her
sisters. Her memory and behavior became
worse and worse.
Mom was always dressed “to the nines”.
Makeup was always in place and she loved
clothes. Her appearance was not important
to her any more. She had forgotten how to do
the least little things like make coffee (
her favorite drink). She would leave food
in the strangest places. She started
refusing showers. She began sleeping more
and more. The part time caregiver we had
was not enough any more. Mother and I began
to argue which we had never done. When I
look back I understand she was scared about
what was happening to her and I was not
educated enough in the disease to understand
what was happening to her. We decided that
it was be best to have her live in an
assisted living environment rather than with
us as she had lived with us for over six
years. It was one of the hardest things I’ve
ever done in my life. The guilt and sadness
I felt the day we moved her cannot be
described. The second day there she broke
her hip. The guilt started piling on my
shoulders. She was in the hospital for a
week and rehab for 6 weeks. Of course the
nursing home wanted her to remain thereafter
the rehab but I didn’t feel Mom was ready
for a nursing home.
We found a location that said they
specialized in Memory Care. As we settled
Mom at this facility we became more active
with the studying of the disease. My
husband and I went to a study for caregivers
of Alzheimer’s patients. It was very
beneficial, we learned more about the
disease and the best way to deal with
behavior. Also I learned quite a bit about
the dynamics of caregivers. The other
caregivers in the study became a support
group that I wished I had when mother was
first diagnosed. I would have been more
understanding and maybe had more patient. It
is so important to hear from people who are
going through the same problems you are. Our
family was always very private when it came
to family matters. I have three brothers who
have trouble even asking about Mom, so
sharing with a support group was not
something I was comfortable doing. As we
came to the end of the study we started an
Alzheimer’s Support Group that met once a
month so we would continue to learn and
share more about this terrible disease.
In Oct. of 2005 I discovered the place where
my mother was living had not given her the
blood pressure medication prescribed for two
months. The worse part of the incident is
that the medicines had been logged as being
given to her when in fact they hadn’t. At
that point we started looking for another
facility to place Mom. It was a very
difficult thing to do because we did not
know how she would react to a move. We
didn’t even take Mom for outings because she
is so confused when she returns.
One of my Support Buddies found
AlzCare and we moved Mom in
November. She has taken the move better
than what I had anticipated. She doesn’t
ask to go home with me like she did in the
beginning. I know I’m more confident with
AlzCare caring for my mother.
It is so comforting to call AlzCare
at any time and they can tell me how Mom’s
day is going. My life has become easier, I
think. During the years we have been
dealing with mom’s disease I personally have
gained 50 pounds, have neglected my business
and my husband. I had become so involved
with the other facility where Mom lived and
the problems I was having with them and
making sure mother was taken care of I did
not realize how burned out I was. I do miss
my Support Group. I think it is very
important to talk to people who are going
through the same thing you are. When you do
share it is not so overwhelming. I still
grieve for my mother. Grieving, so far, is
the worst thing I have experienced with this
disease. I miss my Mom terribly. As I
explained to one of my friends, my heart
hurts. Mom is constantly in this little
corner of my mind no matter where I am or
what I am doing. I can still cry at the
drop of a hat when someone ask how Mom is
doing. You have this heart full of hurt and
sorrow you want to just spill out. I miss
my Mom and Best Girlfriend.
Donna Gravett |
